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As a therapist working in Utah I was hit very early on in my career by how much shame is affecting our community. Shame is the belief that you are bad, guilt is the belief that you have done something bad, and inappropriate guilt is when you believe that something that is not bad actually was bad or that something bad someone else did you must take accountability for. Utah has a problem with both shame and inappropriate guilt. Religion contributes but not for the reasons you think.
Brene Brown said “I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.” I agree with her. People who feel disconnected and alone act desperate, not kind. Feeling rejected never encourages people to change only to mask.
Gabor Mate shared that “Shame is the deepest of the “negative emotions,” a feeling we will do almost anything to avoid. Unfortunately, our abiding fear of shame impairs our ability to see reality.” Shame clouds vision and creates confusion. It clouds are ability to see what we can become. When cannot threaten people's sense of community because their behavior doesn't align with our beliefs. It gives people shame and scrupulosity.

Shame is an evolutionary response. It’s about as unpleasant as an emotion can be. It shows up because we as people are tribal creatures. Throughout history we have relied on the tribe to survive. When someone did something outside of the norm that threatened their place in the tribe they would feel shame so that they would change their behavior as quickly as possible. This would keep them from being rejected by the tribe.
The problem with shame is that it became just a little too strong. Instead of leading to corrective action it leads to regression. Let’s take for example a Latter-day Saint teen struggling with pornography use. Their parents are terrified that this will lead to long term relationship problems and inactivity in the church. They come down hard on the teen and give frequent lectures on the importance of ceasing the habit. The teen works with a bishop who also has a healthy fear of porn. He never tells the teen he is bad or even implies it but over time the teen develops the belief that because they are doing such an awful thing they are awful.
This belief starts to guide their life. They go to mutual and they assume all the other youth are better than them. They feel shame every time they show up which makes them hate the experience. They used to enjoy church but now it becomes a reminder of their shortcomings. They hate the shame that comes up in every meeting and start to feel they don’t fit in. This in turn threatens their sense of belonging to the tribe which leads to more shame about their identity. Eventually, instead of learning, growing, and developing a prefrontal cortex better able to control impulses the teen feels so much shame they cannot function within their religious system and leave. This threatens their belonging in their family and continue to rip apart important relationships until the teen has had to completely rebuild their social circle. They enter adulthood with the underlying belief that they are innately flawed.
Shame is a huge issue within our culture and for the sake of having healthy happy adults we need to fix it.
It’s time to stop threatening people’s place in the tribe. Everyone makes mistakes and does bad things. It should not threaten our love for them. If you have a teenager that behaves badly then recognize that’s it is a normal part of teen development and try to avoid over-reactions. Avoid lectures about hating th sin but loving the sinner. That’s like telling your child you hate their spouse but love them. They are a packaged deal and will simply stop coming around.
I want to reiterate that religion is not the cause of scrupulosity simply a condition that OCD grabs onto. Utah’s shame problem does not come from religion, but it does come from a religious culture that leads people to fear rejection. In Utah it is easy to feel like an outsider and to become afraid that your behaviors will leave to rejection.
Parents of teens especially need to not let their own fear get in the way of connection. Your child will make mistakes. Warnings and punishments will not prevent them. Instead they will create shame. Connection and acceptance will actually lead to improvement.
Above all connect. Connect with your children, connect with your neighbor, create community and create belonging. The more connection and belonging both we and our children feel the happier and less shame filled we will be. Shame won’t make out culture any better, connection will.