Scrupulosity and Sex: Navigating Guilt and Shame Around Intimacy in a Religious Context

As a therapist specializing in scrupulosity, I often encounter clients grappling with intense feelings of guilt and shame surrounding their sexuality. This is especially prevalent among individuals in Utah, where cultural and religious influences can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and fear. For many, these feelings can be overwhelming, leading to a cycle of anxiety that affects both mental health and personal relationships. While these concerns can be difficult for people of any background, they can be especially hard for LDS individuals trying to reconcile sexual morality with their OCD. 

Understanding Scrupulosity and Sex

Scrupulosity is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that specifically relates to moral or religious concerns. Individuals suffering from scrupulosity experience intrusive thoughts—often referred to as obsessions—about their moral standing and adherence to religious beliefs. These thoughts can manifest in various ways, including concerns about sexual thoughts or behaviors.

For many individuals within the Utah community, the fear of sexual sin can lead to debilitating anxiety. These fears are often rooted in teachings about chastity, purity, and morality, which can create an internal narrative that equates sexual desire with shame and guilt. As a scrupulosity OCD therapist, I frequently work with clients to help them differentiate between religious teachings and their own personal values, ultimately promoting healthier perspectives on sexuality.

Scrupulosity it really good at sounding very sane and important in your brain. But when you verbalize them the obsessions can get pretty out there. Some common examples of scrupulosity obsessions around sexuality I’ve heard are “am I gay? I touched my friends hand so maybe I’m gay.”, “I thought that person/actor/actress/stranger was pretty/handsome. Does that mean I cheated on my spouse?”, “am I aroused? That must mean I’m lusting which means I’m sinning.” It’s easy to get sucked in a mental ping pong game with sex and scrupulosity.

The Impact of Cultural and Religious Beliefs

In Utah, the cultural backdrop is heavily influenced by the teachings of the LDS Church. Many individuals grow up internalizing guidelines around sexuality that promote abstinence before marriage and discourage discussions about sexual health. These teachings highlight the important of morality but are sometimes so heavily emphasized that it’s forgotten that the church also teaches that sex is good. While the LDS church believes that sex is important, sex should be pleasurable, and that sex is important for more than procreation, the fear of sexual sin can make members forget these lessons. This is especially true for people with scrupulosity. 

Guilt and Shame in Sexuality

Guilt and shame are powerful emotions that can deeply affect one's mental well-being. For those struggling with scrupulosity, these feelings may surface as intrusive thoughts that cause significant distress. Common themes include:

• Fear of Sinning: Concerns about engaging in sexual thoughts or actions that may be considered sinful according to religious teachings. So often people with scrupulosity worry that any sexual desire means they are sinning or committing infidelity. 

• Judgment and Self-Criticism: Harsh self-judgment stemming from perceived failures to live up to moral standards. So many people with scrupulosity think they are bad and morally failing. 

• Isolation: Feeling alone in one’s struggles, leading to avoidance of conversations about sexuality with peers or family. People with scrupulosity often think they are the worst person they now and are the only ones struggling with imperfection. Especially in Utah it’s common to hear things like “I know none of my friends are breaking the law of chastity” and “I know none of my friends are looking at porn” when basic statistics show that isn’t true. 

It's important to recognize that experiencing sexual desires is a natural part of human life. However, the religious backdrop in Utah can often complicate these feelings, leading individuals to believe that they are somehow "broken" or "unworthy."

The Role of a Religious OCD Therapist

As a religious OCD therapist, my goal is to help individuals confront these intrusive thoughts and the accompanying feelings of guilt and shame. Here are some therapeutic strategies that can be helpful:

Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP)

ERP is an effective treatment for scrupulosity. It focuses on exposing yourself to scrupulosity triggers and not doing the compulsions.  Here’s how it can be applied:

1. Recognize Obsessions: Learn to identify intrusive thoughts about sexuality and recognize them as symptoms of scrupulosity rather than reflections of reality.

2. Challenge Beliefs: Question the validity of these thoughts. For instance, ask yourself, "Is this belief about my sexuality based on evidence, or is it rooted in fear?"

3. Gradual Exposure: Gradually face fears related to sexuality in a controlled manner, allowing you to desensitize yourself to the anxiety associated with these thoughts.

Doing exposures doesn’t mean you will or should do anything that is actually outside of your moral system. You should never be asked to do something that is actually outside of your values. You may be asked to do some things that are odd or unusual but not that you consider wrong. For example: if I were doing exposures around sexuality with an LDS individual I would not suggest they view porn, have premarital sex, or look at nude pictures. I would recommend things like listening to Tammy Hill’s podcast, Live Your Why (https://www.tammyhill.com/podcasts-2/) , an LDS resource of healthy sexuality. I also might have them say words related to sexuality that cause them discomfort like “penis” and “vagina.” While these might be odd and uncomfortable, most non-scrupulous members of the mormon faith would agree they are not sinful. 

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT encourages individuals to accept their thoughts and feelings rather than fighting against them. This can be particularly useful for managing guilt and shame related to sexuality.

• Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness exercises to help you observe your thoughts without judgment. This practice can foster a greater sense of self-acceptance.

• Values Clarification: Reflect on your values concerning sexuality. What do you truly believe about sex, and how can you align your actions with these values rather than imposed beliefs? If you believe that your marriage is the most important thing but you scrupulosity keeps you from having a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse then values work can be helpful.

  
  

Psychoeducation

Education about scrupulosity and its impact on sexual health is crucial. Understanding that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of OCD can help reduce the shame associated with these experiences. Learning about human sexuality from a holistic perspective, including emotional, physical, and relational aspects, can also foster a healthier outlook.

Reclaiming Your Sexuality

Reclaiming your sexuality begins with self-compassion. It is essential to recognize that guilt and shame do not define your worth or identity. Here are some steps to consider:

Normalize Sexuality

Engage in open conversations about sexuality with trusted friends with the same beliefs system or support groups. Understanding that others may have similar experiences can help reduce feelings of isolation. Normalize discussions about sexual health, desires, and boundaries. Additionally, discussing sexuality with others with scrupulosity can also be helpful. Hearing someone else’s obsessions and compulsions that are similar to yours can be a good way to observe them without your personal emotional ties. 

Seek Professional Support

Working with a guilt therapist or an OCD therapist specializing in scrupulosity can provide tailored strategies for managing your feelings of guilt and shame. Professional support is invaluable in navigating these complex emotions. Consider using the international OCD foundations resource directory as tool to find a therapist that fits with you https://iocdf.org/find-help/. You can also use the international OCD foundation to find a support group https://iocdf.org/ocd-finding-help/supportgroups/. 

Addressing Religious Trauma

My mother is a physicist. She used to say “science doesn’t exist in a vacuum.” I didn’t understand that until I was a therapist but now I tell my own clients “ocd doesn’t exist in a vacuum.” Nobody is just their diagnosis and nobody's OCD exists independent of their experiences and brain chemistry. For some individuals, scrupulosity may be intertwined with experiences of religious trauma. Additionally, those with a history of sexual trauma can also experience scrupulosity as a symptom. If you struggle with both trauma and OCD, addressing your trauma almost always has to come first. If your religious upbringing or other trauma has instilled fear around sexuality, your scrupulosity will likely not go into remission until you have addressed it. Here are some ways to navigate this:

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Recognize that feelings of guilt and shame are often rooted in past experiences and teachings. Acknowledging these feelings can be the first step toward healing.

Explore Your Beliefs

Consider questioning the beliefs you were taught about sexuality. Are these beliefs aligned with your current values? Reflecting on this can help you form a more authentic understanding

of your sexuality.

EMDR therapy

Use a trauma processing therapy like EMDR. EMDR can change the way your brain stores traumatic memories so that they are planted firmly in the past and stop impacting your present so much. EMDR can change the way you feel about yourself and th world and is shown to be highly effective for both OCD and trauma. 

Moving Forward

Overcoming scrupulosity and the accompanying guilt and shame surrounding sexuality is a journey. It's important to remember that healing takes time, and it's okay to seek help. It’s also okay to want a good sexual relationship and you shouldn't feel guilt over that desire. Whether you're working with a religious OCD therapist, a guilt therapist, or a general OCD therapist, the goal is to create a safe space where you can explore these feelings without judgment.

As you navigate this path, be kind to yourself. Recognize that your worth is not defined by your thoughts or actions but by your inherent humanity. Embrace your journey toward self-acceptance and a healthier relationship with your sexuality.

Conclusion

Navigating scrupulosity and the associated feelings of guilt and shame around sexuality is a complex and deeply personal journey, especially in the context of Utah's religious landscape. By seeking support, exploring therapeutic strategies, and engaging in open conversations, you can reclaim your narrative around sexuality and foster a healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for healing and self-acceptance.

If you're ready to take the next step use the button on my homepage to schedule your free 15 minute consult. I’d love to talk with you about how you can enjoy a shame free sexual relationship without violating your moral values.