Mom Guilt, OCD Guilt, and a Whole Lot of Shame

While most of my colleagues call me an OCD specialist or a trauma specialist I call myself a guilt specialist. There's nobody better at feeling guilty than mothers. I personally am a mom with a guilt problem and I had a mom with a guilt problem and her mom also had a guilt problem. At least I thought we all had guilt problems, but the more I work with moms the more I think we have a shame problem. Guilt says "I did something bad and should do better" while shame says "I am bad." When I work with moms the fear I hear isn't "should I decrease screen time?" It's "am I a bad mom?"

While all moms are good at feeling guilt a shame mom's with OCD really excel at it. Scrupulosity, a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), manifests as intense moral anxiety and excessive worry about doing the "right thing." This condition can intertwine with the phenomenon of mom guilt, a common experience that many mothers face, leading to emotional turmoil and a cycle of self-doubt.

Many mom's feel like their kids are their biggest priority and the most important thing. Their OCD and guilt target this and make them think any little mis-step will ruin their children. It makes a bad dinner time, a difficult school off, or a one miscommunication seem like it's make of break. Mom's with scrupulosity often feel like bad moms.

Understanding Scrupulosity

Scrupulosity involves intrusive thoughts related to morality, ethics, and religious obligations. Individuals with scrupulosity often find themselves questioning their intentions and actions, worrying that they have failed in some significant way. For mothers, these obsessive thoughts can manifest in fears about their parenting choices—whether they are instilling the right values, providing enough care, or being present enough for their children.

A clinician with scrupulosity I once met, went to therapy herself feeling overwhelmed by her constant doubts. Every time she made a decision—like whether to let her child have dessert before dinner—she was consumed by the thought that she was somehow failing as a mother. Her anxiety spiraled, leading her to seek reassurance repeatedly, which only reinforced her fears.

Brené Brown articulates the difference between guilt and shame well: “Guilt is just as powerful as fear and can be used to motivate change. But shame is a tool of oppression.” Understanding this distinction can help mothers separate their feelings of guilt from the more pervasive shame that can accompany scrupulosity.

The Nature of Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is a familiar feeling for many mothers. It stems from the pressure to be perfect in a world that often sets unrealistic standards. Whether it's juggling work and family life, meeting societal expectations, or striving to provide the best for their children, mothers frequently feel inadequate. This guilt can be exacerbated by the rise of social media, where curated images of “perfect” parenting can create feelings of comparison and inadequacy. We've all watched Nara Smith and Ballerina Farm bake bread with their well groomed children helping out. We've then experienced our own feelings of inadequacy as our little heathens run around naked eating peanut butter out of the jar while we watch. A neighbor once shared with me that she would constantly feel that her children deserved a better mom despite the fact that she was very engaged, loving and caring. She worried that God would punish her for her performance as a mother and that she was disappointing him.

Brené Brown reminds us, “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” Embracing our imperfections as mothers can help us cultivate resilience and acceptance, allowing us to be more compassionate toward ourselves. Your kids need you as their mom. Not someone better or more responsible or more clean. They need you.

The Intersection of Scrupulosity and Mom Guilt

When scrupulosity meets mom guilt, the result can be a perfect storm of anxiety and self-doubt. Mothers with scrupulosity may find themselves obsessing over whether they are raising their children “right.” They might worry excessively about their moral failures—like being too harsh in discipline or not encouraging their child's independence enough.

For instance, a relative struggled with the fear that her parenting choices would lead to her children becoming “bad” people. She was constantly ruminating over past decisions, fearing they would negatively affect her children’s future. This cycle of guilt and anxiety led to perfectionistic behaviors that drained her emotionally and physically.

Recognizing these patterns is crucial for mothers navigating this intersection. One way to break the cycle is to reframe thoughts around parenting. Instead of asking, “Am I doing this right?” consider, “Am I doing my best with the knowledge and resources I have?” This shift can foster a more compassionate internal dialogue.

Another insightful quote from Brené Brown captures this beautifully: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” Embracing vulnerability allows us to acknowledge our struggles, opening the door to growth and connection with others. Vulnerable and imperfect parenting is good enough for our kids.

Coping Strategies and Therapeutic Approaches

For mothers grappling with both scrupulosity and mom guilt, it’s essential to develop effective coping strategies. Here are several techniques I recommend to my clients:

1. Mindfulness Techniques

Mindfulness practices can help manage intrusive thoughts. Engaging in mindfulness allows mothers to become more aware of their thoughts without judgment, creating space to acknowledge guilt without being consumed by it. Simple practices like deep breathing or guided meditations can be effective in cultivating this awareness.

2. Cognitive-Behavioral Strategies

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a valuable tool for challenging negative beliefs. By examining the evidence behind intrusive thoughts, mothers can learn to reframe their narratives. For example, instead of believing, “If I don’t do this perfectly, I’ll fail my child,” they can challenge this thought by asking, “What evidence do I have that my child will be negatively affected?”

3. Emphasizing Self-Compassion

Cultivating self-compassion is crucial in the journey toward reducing guilt. Encouraging mothers to treat themselves with the same kindness they would offer a friend can shift their internal dialogue. Practicing self-affirmations and celebrating small victories in parenting can also help combat feelings of inadequacy.

In therapy, I’ve seen profound transformations when mothers begin to embrace self-compassion. Ask yourself, if someday my child felt this way about themselves how would I feel? If this is how my grandkids were mothered would I judge my child as harshly? If I saw this happening in my neighbors home would I judge them?

Brené Brown beautifully encapsulates the importance of vulnerability and connection: “When we own our story, we avoid being trapped as characters in stories someone else is telling.” Owning our parenting stories, with all their messiness, allows us to redefine our narratives on our own terms.

You're a Good Enough Mom

Navigating the complexities of scrupulosity and mom guilt is a challenging journey that many mothers face. These feelings are valid and, when acknowledged, can lead to personal growth and connection with others who share similar experiences.

I encourage mothers to seek support—whether through therapy, support groups, or conversations with trusted friends. You are not alone in this struggle. Embracing the messiness of motherhood, with all its imperfections, can foster resilience and allow you to connect more deeply with yourself and your children.

As we navigate the emotional landscape of parenting, let us remember Brené Brown’s powerful words: “Imperfections are not inadequacies.” Embracing this truth can help us find peace amidst the chaos, nurturing not just our children but also ourselves in the process.