Healing Deep Shame with EMDR Intensives: What to do when You're Pretty Sure you Actually Kind of Suck

I Kind of Hate Myself

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve felt the heavy, aching presence of shame. It’s that internal voice that whispers, "You’re not good enough," or "If people really knew you, they’d walk away" or "if I'm not perfect everyone will hate me." Shame can feel like a shadow that follows us through life, quietly shaping our choices, our relationships, and the way we see ourselves. It often hides behind perfectionism, people-pleasing, anxiety, and even chronic exhaustion. And perhaps most painfully, shame tells us we’re alone.

But you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

Healing from shame is absolutely possible, especially when we’re given the right tools and space to do so. One powerful path to that healing is through EMDR intensives—a therapeutic approach that allows for deep, focused healing over a shorter period of time. In this article, we’ll explore what shame really is, how it impacts us, why it can be so stubborn to treat, and how EMDR intensives can offer a way forward.

What Is Shame, Really?

Shame is more than just a passing feeling of embarrassment. It’s a deeply rooted belief that something is fundamentally wrong with who we are. While guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad/horrible/unlovable/unforgivable.”

This toxic belief can be planted early in life—maybe through critical caregivers, bullying, trauma, abuse, or neglect. It can also take root in environments where love and acceptance felt conditional. As we grow, shame can become a quiet undercurrent, shaping the way we show up in the world.

You might experience shame in ways that don’t seem obvious at first: avoiding conflict because you don’t want to be a burden, striving for perfection so no one sees your flaws, or feeling intense discomfort when someone compliments you. These are all signs of a deep belief that you are not enough as you are.

How Shame Hurts Us

Shame is painful—and it’s also powerful. It can impact every part of our lives:

• Emotionally, it fuels anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness.

• Relationally, it makes intimacy feel dangerous. Shame whispers, "If they really knew me, they wouldn’t love me."

• Professionally, it can lead to burnout, imposter syndrome, and a chronic fear of failure.

• Physically, it can show up as chronic tension, exhaustion, or even illness. Shame lives in the body.

Perhaps the most tragic part of shame is its isolating nature. When we feel ashamed, we often withdraw—making it even harder to receive the connection and care we need to heal. Shame convinces us we’re the only ones who feel this way, even though it’s a nearly universal experience.

Why Shame Is Hard to Heal

Despite how common shame is, it’s notoriously difficult to treat. Part of the reason is that shame is tricky—it often hides. We might not even realize shame is at the root of our struggles. It might disguise itself as perfectionism, people-pleasing, over-functioning, or numbness.

The other part is that shame convinced you that you shouldn't heal. It subconsciously whispers that if you felt good, nothing would stop you from being bad. It tells you that you need it because if you were to love yourself and forget all these awful things about yourself it would be horrible! It whispers that ignorance would not be bliss.

Another challenge is that shame doesn’t live in the thinking part of our brain. It lives in the nervous system and the emotional memory centers of the brain. That means that even if we know we’re worthy, our body might still feel unsafe, small, or defective.

Traditional talk therapy can help us understand our shame—but sometimes insight alone isn’t enough. We need approaches that go deeper, helping us reprocess painful memories and shift the body-level experiences that keep shame alive.

How EMDR Heals Shame

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapy originally developed to help people recover from trauma. But over the years, it has proven to be incredibly effective in treating shame.

EMDR works by helping the brain reprocess stuck or unhealed experiences—especially those that created negative core beliefs like "I’m not enough," "I’m unlovable," or "I’m broken." Using bilateral stimulation (such as eye movements or tapping), EMDR helps the brain safely revisit these experiences and shift how they’re stored. The result is that the memory no longer feels as charged, and the belief connected to it often transforms.

For example, a painful memory of being rejected as a child might originally be linked with the belief, "I don’t matter." After EMDR, the memory may still exist, but the belief might shift to something like, "That wasn’t my fault," or "I matter now."

Why EMDR Intensives?

While weekly EMDR sessions can be powerful, some people benefit even more from EMDR intensives—extended sessions that allow for deeper, uninterrupted healing. Rather than spending the first 15 minutes settling in and the last 15 winding down (as is common in traditional 50-minute sessions), intensives offer several hours of focused time.

This can be especially helpful for treating shame, which often takes time to surface. In an intensive, there’s more space to build safety, access the root memories, and complete a full processing cycle in one sitting.

Clients who choose EMDR intensives often report faster progress, less emotional whiplash between sessions, and a deeper sense of transformation. It’s like the difference between dipping your toes in the water every week and diving in for a full swim—you simply cover more ground.

What Healing Shame Can Make Possible

Healing shame isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about remembering that you were never broken to begin with. When shame begins to lift, life begins to feel different in subtle but profound ways:

• You stop apologizing for your existence.

• You speak up without the tremble of "Will they still like me?"

• You enjoy rest without guilt.

• You trust your own voice and desires.

• You show up in relationships with more honesty and ease.

Healing shame creates space for self-compassion, self-trust, and deeper connection—with yourself and others. It allows you to reclaim the parts of you that have been hidden or silenced. And perhaps most importantly, it helps you remember that you are lovable, worthy, and whole—just as you are.

Closing: You Are Worthy of Healing

If you’ve been carrying the weight of shame for a long time, please know: it’s not your fault, and it’s not forever. Shame is a learned response, not a life sentence.

Whether your shame stems from past trauma, cultural messages, early experiences, or all of the above, healing is possible. EMDR intensives offer a powerful opportunity to do that healing in a supported, focused, and compassionate way.

You deserve to live without the weight of shame. You deserve to feel at home in your own skin.

If you’re curious about how an EMDR intensive might support your healing, I’d love to connect. Reach out to schedule a free consultation—we can talk about your story, your goals, and whether an intensive is a good fit for you.

Because the truth is: you are not broken. You are healing. And you are worthy of every bit of peace that comes next.