Crushes, Chaos, and Relationship OCD

Jan 16

4 min read

Crushes and Chaos

As a young college student I had a roommate whose relationships seemed intense.

She would say she wanted to be single, but then be unable to spend time at home alone, use dating apps constantly, and develop crushes quickly.

Once she developed a crush she would be head over heels. It was all she could think about or talk about. Then after a few weeks or months she would often report she didn’t think she liked them that much and wasn’t sure why she was dating them.

She would then stress all day every day about whether or not to end the relationship. She would break up with the boy and then start the cycle all over again.

She was highly self aware, mature, a great friend, smart, and funny. Her only “unhealthy” behavior was the relationships.

When I started learning about attachment theory in grad school I thought maybe an anxious attachment style could explain the pattern. However, she had told me many times about her happy child and her parents and her were very close.

When I finally learned about relationship OCD something clicked and I wondered if that was what had driven this behavior. I ran into her not long after. At this point she was happily married. I told her I had a weird question for her and asked if she had ever wondered if she might have OCD. I found out that she had in fact been diagnosed with OCD the year before and she agreed that it accounted for all the chaotic relationships she had been in during her 20s.

What Is Relationship OCD.

OCD consists of obsessions and compulsions. While there are common themes these can be about anything. One of the common themes is relationships.

A person with relationship ocd (R-OCD) will obsess over their relationships, relationship status, or crush. They will spend hours a day ruminating over it and find it incredibly hard to find peace in their relationships. They will also perform compulsions like constantly asking their partner for reassurance, using dating apps daily, looking at their crush’s social media over and over again, clearing their calendar in case the person that likes them asks them out, and googling other’s relationship experiences trying to reassure their own is normal.

They will ask themselves questions like “does this person actually love me?” and “do I actually love this person?” and “do I even know what love is?” It can make you feel like your relationship is falling apart. It can cause deep emotional pain in your relationships. It can cause you to worry constantly about betrayal trauma.

One reddit user explained this well. They shared the following post detailing the different types of obsessions and compulsions that come with R-OCD

“Mental Checks - One example is searching for info online, for example, it could be about qualities your partner has, or something like "I'm not sure about my feelings for my partner". Performing checks and tests upon your partner, like testing their intelligence. Another example is self observance of your behavior - "have I talked to my partner enough today?" Checking how your partner interacts socially with others, etc.

Monitoring internal emotional states - "how do I feel about this?" "Am I attracted to him/her?"

Neutralizing - holding positive thoughts against your negative ones. For example, thinking “my partner isn't funny enough" then immediately thinking "oh but, 2 weeks ago he said the funniest thing, and then 3 weeks ago he also told the funniest jokes, so he must be funny".

Comparing - comparing your partner to other people's partners, to your ex partners, comparing them to better moments in your relationship like "she used to be so much kinder".

Reassurance - seeking advice regarding your relationship from other people, friends and family, strangers online, even therapists and spiritual guides. Confessions out of guilt to one's partner is also reassurance.

Deliberating/ruminating - pretty self explanatory ("Do I really want to be with him?")

Self criticism - "I'm being horrible to my partner", "I'm not good enough for them, they deserve better", "I judge them too much"

Avoidance - Avoiding certain situations with your partner, like sex, conversations about certain "special" topics, avoiding certain people who might trigger your OCD, avoiding romantic movies, reading articles about love, etc.

Reproduction - reproducing past events in your mind in hopes of seeing something that'll relieve you. For example, rehashing a whole conversation with your partner in an attempt to check if they were funny enough.”

What Do I Do About This?

One of the first steps you need to take with R-OCD is building awareness. Love shouldn’t feel so chaotic and all consuming. There should be passion, yes, but there should also be a lot of calm. You should be able to enjoy your hobbies even when you have a crush.

Once you start to become very aware of what is actually a crush/love/relationship doubts then there are several therapy options out there. Modalities called exposure and response prevention therapy, Inference based cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy can all help you deal with this issue.

Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy: ERP involves gradually exposing yourself to feared situations or intrusive thoughts while resisting the urge to perform compulsions. For example, someone with ROCD might intentionally confront their fears of uncertainty about the relationship without seeking reassurance. Over time, this reduces the power of obsessive thoughts and helps individuals develop resilience.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT focuses on accepting intrusive thoughts without attempting to eliminate them and committing to values-based actions. In the case of ROCD, ACT can help individuals coexist with uncertainties about their relationship while prioritizing actions that align with their personal values and goals.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is a therapy originally developed for trauma but can also help with ROCD by addressing past experiences or emotional distress that fuel obsessive thinking. By reprocessing these memories, EMDR can reduce the emotional intensity of relationship-related obsessions.
Inference-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (I-CBT): I-CBT targets the reasoning processes underlying OCD. In ROCD, individuals often infer that their intrusive thoughts signify real problems in their relationship. I-CBT helps challenge these faulty inferences and replace them with more accurate, less distressing interpretations, leading to reduced anxiety and compulsive behaviors.